If it feels like we're all constantly psychoanalyzing ourselves and our relationships, you'd be right. Discussions around topics like narcissism, gaslighting, red flags, and toxic behavior are happening all over social media, but there's more to an unhealthy relationship than just these buzzy terms.
Unhealthy relationships can have a significant detrimental impact on your health, happiness, and overall well-being.
The problem is that while some relationships are clearly toxic or even abusive, a lot of unhealthy relationship patterns can develop over time and be much more subtle.
While no relationship is perfect, it is important to be able to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship and know what to do to either change it or end it. Knowing what steps to take in this situation can make your relationship healthier and help you identify when to get professional help.
Common Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships
Every relationship is different and may change over time. A relationship can start out very healthy and slowly turn into something you need to fix (or get out of). And there are some important qualities that tend to characterize unhealthy relationships.
Relationships that are marked by these dynamics and problems tend to contribute to more tension, conflict, and stress. This can apply to romantic relationships, but other types of relationships can be affected by unhealthy patterns as well, including your relationships with family members, friends, and coworkers.
Control
In unhealthy relationships, one person may try to control the other person's life. This may be done through intimidation, but it can also involve other types of manipulation.
Sometimes the person may engage in behaviors that seem extremely affectionate and loving. In reality, these actions are designed to keep tabs on the other individual and prevent them from doing things or going places where they are outside of the other person's control.
Control may also take the form of possessiveness and jealousy. While both of these are normal human emotions that people may experience from time to time, they are unhealthy when someone is trying to control what you do, when they lash out at you when they become upset, or when they accuse you of infidelity.
Lack of Trust
Unhealthy relationships are often marked by a lack of trust. You might feel like you have to hide things from your partner, or you might often feel like they are hiding things from you.
In order to develop healthy trust, both people in a relationship have to engage in mutual, reciprocal self-disclosure. This involves revealing things about yourself over time as the relationship deepens and grows. The process of sharing and listening contributes to feelings of emotional intimacy and closeness. But if you feel like you cannot trust the other person with your innermost feelings, you're not likely to tell them your feeling, thoughts, or memories.
How trusting you and your partner are may be shaped, in part, by your overall attachment style. These patterns of behavior are often established in childhood based on interactions and experiences with caregivers, but they continue to shape how you respond in romantic relationships in adulthood.
If you have a history of not being able to depend on the people you should be able to trust the most, you may find it difficult to trust your romantic partners.
Disrespect
Disrespect can take a variety of forms in unhealthy relationships. Sometimes it might mean someone being dismissive of the other person. In other cases, it can involve outright ridiculing or making fun of the opinions or interests of the other person.
This disrespect can often feel like rejection, which can lead to a range of emotions including hurt feelings, shame, guilt, loneliness, embarrassment, and social anxiety.
Poor Communication
Good communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships are often marked by patterns of ineffective communication. This might involve not talking about problems, avoiding difficult issues, expecting the other person to be a mind reader, not listening, getting defensive, or stonewalling in order to avoid confronting problems in the relationship.
Communication style has been shown to be a key predictor of divorce and has more of an impact than commitment, stress, and personality when it comes to marital success.
Am I in an Unhealthy Relationship?
Relationships often grow, change, shift, and sometimes fall apart over time. A relationship might be mostly healthy when things are going well, but the addition of stressors can create strain. People may respond by falling back on unhealthy coping mechanisms or by engaging in behaviors that are ultimately harmful to the health of their relationships.
Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by:
Betrayal
Blame
Bullying
Control
Disrespect
Dishonesty
Drama
Emotional abuse
Fear
Financial dishonesty or abuse
Guilt
Hostility
Intimidation
Isolation
Jealousy
Negativity
Physical abuse
Poor communication
Ridicule
Unhappiness
Verbal abuse
In an unhealthy relationship, you might feel like you always have to walk on eggshells around the other person. Or you might feel like you always have to hide what you really think or feel. You might even feel like you have to give up the things that you really want in order to keep the other person happy.
Another sign of an unhealthy relationship is the feeling that things are imbalanced. One-sided relationships are those in which one person invests more effort, energy, and emotion in maintaining the relationship. Such relationships can be unhealthy and often leave the person who is doing all the work feeling unsupported, isolated and drained.
Sometimes unhealthy behaviors can emerge during times of extreme stress. In other cases, persistent patterns of unhealthy behaviors may worsen over time or emerge during different stages of a relationship.
In some cases, these issues can be addressed using self-help strategies or with the help of a mental health professional. But if your relationship is affected by abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or sexual, your primary concern should be to ensure your safety.
When to End an Unhealthy Relationship
Not every relationship is worth saving. If you’ve done your part but the other person is not willing to change or help, it may be time to walk away and invest your effort in healthier, more supportive relationships with other people.
If the other person has no interest in changing or if the situation involves abuse in any form, ending the relationship is often the best way to protect your well-being.
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